Simple Southern Solutions

I just saw a BuzzFeed article about “26 Questions Southerners Need To Answer” some of them are admittedly funny, but some are also very strange to me and seem to have simple answers. 

Read it here: 26 Questions Southerners Need to Answer

So here are mine. Enjoy. 

1. why do southerners call raccoons coons?Cause “shoot the raccoon” takes a lot longer to say than “shoot dat coon”
2. Why do you like mason jars so much?

Cause they’re free once you eat the contents and then can be used for drinking, pencil cups, lighting, storage… Well… Everything
3. Why do you talk to strangers? 

Cause we’re NICE. Aren’t you nice???? Talk back. 
4. Why do you dress for college football like You’re going to church?

Cause that’s where we catch our men. Taller the heels- higher the standards. 
5. Why do you call shopping carts buggies?

 Cause my momma did. That’s why. 
6. Why do you call stuffing “dressing?”

Stuffing goes inside. Dressing goes ON the side. You get salmonella. I’ll just get fat. 
7. Why do you get a boner from riding a truck in the mud?

I don’t have a bone so I don’t specifically know. But I do rather enjoy getting dirty. And then the subsequent shower afterwards…
8. Why do people call men younger than them son?

Cause we’re all family here. 
9. Why do you get married so young?

So we have kids to mow our lawns sooner. 
10. Why do girls from the south always add “s” and “girl” after the stores they say. 

Cause we’re shocked at the awesome things we found in their store. And we like to give credit where it’s due. “This Dillard’s jacket was so cheap, girl!”
11. Why do you monogram everything? 

So you can’t steal my shit. 
12. Why do people from the south call roaches water bugs. 

I don’t- I just call them gross! And then I shoot them with my .22. 
13. Why do you talk so slow? 

Cause we’re used to talking to elderly people and showing them the respect and time they deserve. And sometimes they’re hard of hearing. Maybe you should talk to your grandmammy too.
14. Why do you say “mondee, tuesdee…”

Cause it’s fun. Words are fun when they sound funny. 
15. Why do you call pop “coke”

Cause only so many people market their products in the boonies. When more sodas show up in our baby bottles that aren’t Coca-Cola then we’ll learn a new name. (Total joke- don’t give coke to babies)
16. Why do you love to tell people your from the south?

Wouldn’t you??
17. Why do you love fried foods?

What other foods are there?
18. Why do you think Olive Garden is fancy?

Cause it took us 20 years to finally get one in our town. #Ltownrepresent
19. Why do you have weird names for your grandmas?

What’s a grandma? Is that like a gagaw/memaw/honey/kaykay/maw maw?
20. Why do you add the word salad to a dish when it doesn’t make it any healthier?

Refer to question 17. 
21. Why do you pronounce wash as “warsh”

Refer to # 5 
22. Why do you think it’s okay to go in the snow in your underwear?

Cause it’s not like we have appropriate weather gear anyway. 
23. Why do you pronounce spoiled as “spoilt”?

Yet again… for the last time… #5
24. Why do you have two first names?

Cause there’d be wayyyyy too many bob and johns and ashleys. 
25. Why do you pronounce oil as “earl”

Good lawrd… please don’t ask again… #5. 
26. Why do you turn words into even longer words. Like pounds into pay-ou-nds. 

Why do you even still ask at this point…. We talk the way we talk cause we always have and always will. Doesn’t mean we’re uneducated. Just stuck in our ways. Cause our ways are the best ways. They’re southern. 
I’d rather be “stuck in the south” than anywhere else any day of the year. 

Red dirt and all. 

Chicken fried country life forever. 


-Marti Annette (see, two names)


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